#MeToo-I was only 11

I have been wanting to write this post for years. This is the first time I share this story – my secret – publicly.

Here is why:

The speed at which the #MeToo, #MoiAussi and similar movements have taken traction and spread worldwide after the Weinstein scandal exposure frankly astonished me so greatly I was compelled to create a collage to depict the phenomenon visually:MeToo

No previous public accusations of sexual abuse against celebrities and politicians have ever resulted in such a spilling of stories from long traumatized victims. The swift downfall of  public figures, heads of companies and leaders of major organizations is unprecedented. Why now, why this time, I wonder? Why not when Polanski, Clinton, Cosby, Ghomeshi,  or even Trump were news media headlines screaming alleged sexual harassment or rape accusations? What broke the dam of silence?

What led one celebrity after another to spill the beans? Safety in numbers? Hope that revealing their experience and pain will help others come forward? Belief that finally society will accept abuse happens – and the victim isn’t at fault? Expectation that the accused would not be able to overcome the numbers of their accusers coming forward…

I’m not a celebrity. I’m a mom of four married kids and grandmother of eight. Most people in my circle of friends and acquaintances are unaware of what I endured as a child, although I’ve become more open to share it if conversations move in that direction.

I’ve been reading with considerable curiosity the copious articles posted online analyzing the characteristics and modus operandi of these alleged predators – and comparing them with my own experience. Here are some of my conclusions:

Predator. An abuser is often a predator. He or she chooses to work or volunteer in a field where they have continuous access to an unsuspecting supply of potential victims. The predator works him/herself into a position of power. Besides heads of corporations, directors and producers, think boy or girl scout leaders, sport coaches, close relatives or family friends – and, yes, priests. My abuser was an elementary school teacher.

Until now, fearing retribution and law suits, if anyone did admit or made innuendos that they were abused, usually they didn’t name names or places. Until now. 

Mr. Shaver (Charles Victor, according to 1958 archived list of Ontario teachers, and U of T archives) was my grade six teacher at Toronto’s Glen Park Elementary Public School. I remember him as tall, with a deep dimple in his chin. In his role, he had a recurring pool of girls to choose from year after year. Of course, I didn’t know that. I was relatively new to the school and had no idea of what was to come.  Not that anyone who knew would have said anything. 

Procurer. Procurers are much like pimps.They are the people who round up potential victims and present them to the predator. Benefiting from their role in one way or another, in an unwritten or stipulated arrangement, they set up an innocent-seeming scenario, such as a supposed business meeting, and then redirect the prey to an isolated, confined area which serves the predator well. The confused, frightened victim has little chance of escape.

In introducing the framework for abuse, Predators charm and lie. They gain trust, then use that trust to terrify.

Shaver would shut the door to the classroom after school, and take turns lifting his female students, sliding his hand beneath their underwear as he moved around the room.

I wouldn’t say Shaver specifically had procurers. But someone in that school had to know what was going on…especially after my mom told the principal.

Protectors. This group consists of all the deniers, including family members, the legal defense teams, the senior executives, directors of boards, bosses and friends. This  includes anyone benefiting from, working around or for, the predator. These people condone it, or know something is fishy, or deal with complaints over years. They refuse to step in, hold the predator to account, or force the accused out. This group – whether its inaction is for fear of suspected collusion, shame, loss of income or potential lawsuits – pretends, won’t acknowledge or refuses to accept the evidence or wrongdoing. The result, of course, is that  the predator can keep on assaulting more victims.

Consequences of Breaking the Silence

Families are split into camps – supporting or defending either accuser or accused – that never speak to each other again. Victims lose their privacy, dignity and careers. They are disbelieved, shamed, faulted and threatened. Their indignity and shame is imprinted in the minds of anyone who knows the story. They are made to feel responsible for the acts or for potentially destroying the accused. In some countries, victims – even those who are little girls – are forced to marry their rapists. 

At one point, I think it was the spring of 1958, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom. I don’t know what I expected her to do, but I needed to reveal my secret. I certainly didn’t expect her to come to speak with the principal of the school. Mom was a young immigrant from war-torn Europe who was understandably reluctant to approach people in authority. I was unprepared for what she did next – and its consequences.

Until then, I was a good student. Although somewhat shy, from time to time I was chosen to assist  in an activity led by a teacher of younger students. I liked learning. Shortly after my reveal, I was sitting at my desk during a lesson when we heard a knock at the door. The principal walked in and asked Shaver and me to come out into the hall. My heart began to beat wildly. We three stepped out to join my mom who was standing there. The principal got to the point. I don’t remember what he said, except that I was accusing Shaver of something or other. I don’t remember the words or how the accusation was framed. The principal paused so Shaver could respond.

Abusers will deny, deny, deny. They are cowards who are terrified about owning up to their acts. They also manipulate the situation so their victims appear to be liars or story-tellers, or perpetrators of a major fraud. 

I remember Shaver towering above me with his dimpled chin and no sign of remorse looking at me straight in the eye. Indicating surprised shock,  he spit out, “Why, Nellie, I can’t believe you are making such accusations. You know they aren’t true.”  I don’t remember saying a word. The principal took a moment, and then gave us – abuser teacher  and abused pupil – permission to return to the same class, and then he walked away. So did my mom. What else could she do? The authority had made judgement. The collusion continued. She had no power. And I was back in the classroom with my predator.

Predators use their power to humiliate, control and isolate victims who displease them. They can ruin victims’ self-respect, careers and futures. Here’s what happened to me…

From that moment on, I was no longer molested. However, I became a non-entity, completely ignored in class. As example, during spelling practices, whenever the teacher would go up and down the rows, asking students to spell words, he’d skip over me. Students would put up their hands to let him know. I never said a word. My marks went down to a degree that in the last weeks of school he called me up to his desk to whisper to me that I was going to fail the year.

Abusers take control of their victims through threats and bullying. They threaten anyone who will think of exposing them.

I told my mom. She called the principal. He assured her I wouldn’t fail. You’d think this would be another alarm to him. But, no.

The next year, I transferred to another school, closer to where we lived at the time.

This story is not done…

Fast forward to 1966/7. As a Toronto Teachers College student, I was on a week assignment of practice teaching in a grade one class at Wilmington Elementary School. Part way through the week, I was having lunch at a table in the teachers’ lounge with my back to the door. Suddenly, I heard a man speaking loudly as he entered the lunchroom. My spine bristled when I recognized the voice out of the past. I turned my head slightly to confirm my fear. It was Shaver, smiling face, dimpled chin and all, now the vice-principal of this school. I quickly turned back my head, and felt sick.

If they work or move in the same circles, it’s not uncommon for victims to come across their abusers. They feel completely powerless, intimidated by the unspoken secret, re-victimized by keeping silent. Yet, until now – and even now – what recourse did/do they have?

The next day, I was leading a lesson at the front of the class, trying not to show my nervousness, as the teacher at the back of the room watched and graded my performance.

The door opened, and in walked Shaver. He sat at a desk near the teacher.  My heart skipped several beats while I tried to pretend he wasn’t there. At the end of class, he approached to invite me to his office. I picked up my books and binders and followed him, praying he didn’t remember me. As we walked along the hallway, I noticed two young girls giggling, hanging around in the copy room (where the stencil machines and copiers were situated.)

We arrived at Shaver’s office. He sat behind his desk, I sat in front of it, in a chair facing him, barely able to look at him. Waiting for the ax to fall, my heart thumped like crazy. I was twenty.

Ever so friendly, he began to talk. He said it was good to see me, asked how I was and about my family. He proceeded to praise my teaching to the skies, that he’d never encountered in all his years a teacher as brilliant as I. (Such bullshit!) He assured me he’d be ever so  happy to offer me a job at his school.

As I have said, a perpetrator’s modus operandi is to isolate, intimidate, threaten, lie, charm and bribe. He was true to form…

I couldn’t look him in the eye. I gave short answers while staring at his chin.  When he was done his chat, we stood, I picked up my books, said good bye, and  walked out, heaving deep breaths.

On my way back towards the exit doors, I saw the two lingering girls. Heading over to them, I asked why they were still there. They replied they were waiting for Shaver to get them. My heart sank. I leaned towards them and hissed, “Don’t wait. Go home! Go home now!!” They looked at me in confusion, and didn’t move.

When my dad came home from work that evening, I asked to go for a walk with him. I don’t remember ever previously discussing my trauma with dad but I did during that walk. I was furious and wanted to finally report Shaver. Dad shook his head and recommended I not do it. Why, I asked. “Because,” he said sadly, “you will be blackballed by the Board of Education and will never be able to work as a teacher.” My dad understood the times.

Victims feel guilt for not calling up their abusers. They feel tremendous guilt, not only for themselves, but also for not protecting future generations of victims. I know.

The story is not yet done…

Fast forward to 1996/7. My book Grading the Teacher: A Canadian Parents’ Guide, four years in the making, was published by Penguin Books Canada at the beginning of the school year in September of 1996. It became a bestseller featured by every major national and local media outlet across the country, including Macleans and Today’s Parent magazines, the Toronto Star, and CBC radio and television. The impetus of the book was my experience with Shaver and the need to encourage parents to protect their children.

gtt-media-coverage

So. A few months after the book was published I was walking through a Shopping Centre when I was approached by women who had been students with me in that grade six class. Mothers themselves, they mentioned the book, congratulated me and then proceeded to implore me to not ever tell anyone about what had happened in that class.

Obviously victims themselves, they were – as many are – ashamed, and couldn’t face the consequences.

Years ago, I heard through some grapevine, that Shaver had been promoted to principal.

***

For those of you who know me and those who do not, I have had and continue to have an incredibly fulfilling, creative life surrounded by wonderful family and amazing friends. My husband, who knew about this from almost the moment we met, has been my rock, my strength, my protector, and my promoter.

As difficult as it was to write this post “exposing” my secret, if it’s the impetus for real discussion and truths, then it is worth it. So, yes, you are welcome to forward it to someone who may find it helpful and a good source for important conversation. – Nellie

***

What are your thoughts and experiences in regards to the points made in this posting? Share in the comments section below…

Advertisements

Letter to My Children

Friendship

I’m at that stage of life when I am sorting, organizing and eliminating clutter in preparation for moving out and on.  Digging through boxes stored away for years, I am making so many discoveries.  In the process, I read everything. Forgotten memories are stirred up. Letters to and from friends and relatives remind me of past relationships, events, losses and achievements. Among all that paper, I’ve come across notes I wrote to my children to help guide them through life. They grew up into loving, responsible, caring adults, now parents themselves. Hoping they will share this with their children,  written from the heart and unedited, here is one of the letters I wrote to them decades ago:

……………………

LETTER TO MY CHILDREN

Be true.

Discover your whole person.

Develop you.

Draw upon your inner resources.

Success is being happy.

Success is being fulfilled.

Success is being secure with yourself.

Be honest.

Analyze your shortcomings.

Work on a plan to improve.

ENVY

Envy no person.

No one can have it all. No one can have it all. If they do, at what price?

The rich lose their possessions; the beautiful, their looks.

The powerful, fall.

KNOWLEDGE

Learn from others.

Learn from yourself.

Read.

Discuss.

Watch.

Think.

Pause.

SELF-DEVELOPMENT

Identify your strengths. Build upon them.

Admire yourself.

Be proud of your accomplishments.

Identify your weaknesses. Attend to them.

Love yourself.

IMPROVEMENT

Not everything is self-fixable.

Get help if and when you need it.

Grow up.

Become mature.

Take responsibility for your actions and words.

Let go of blame.

CONSIDERATION

Be courteous.

Be irreverent but not rude.

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

What you don’t do can have a great – or greater – effect than what you choose to do.

Consider the effect of your words and actions on others.

SHARING

Carry your share.

Each excuse creates a heavier burden for the rest of us.

RESPECT

Don’t look down at others.

It’s too easy to be critical and patronizing.

LUCK

It is not everyone’s luck to be good-looking, bright, capable and privileged as you.

COMPASSION

Be forgiving.

You may never know what secrets your friends and acquaintances carry.

Be compassionate.

You may never know the burdens and tragedies of people you meet in your lifetime.

PRESUMPTIONS

Don’t presume.

Don’t presume you know all the answers.

You don’t even know all the questions.

No one knows. if he or she says they do, they are either lying or fooling themselves.

SUCCESS

Behind the face of every adult is a kid trying to figure out what the hell he or she is doing.

Some seem to accomplish it better than others.

No one is successful in every area.

The secrets of life are within yourself.

Have faith.

The world is wondrous.

Question values.

Hold onto humour. It may save your life.

FRIENDS

Choose friends you can love,

Choose friends who love you back.

ATTITUDE

Be open.

Learn to trust.

Accept love.

Guard yourself.

Don’t be naive.

Give yourself time.

Be patient with others.

Allow mistakes.

Reach higher, always.

GET HIGH

Forget drugs.

Learn about art. You will appreciate beauty.

Learn about music. Its rhythms captivate.

Study literature. Attend live theatre. Gather ideas.

Forget television and electronics. Interact with people. Volunteer.

Look for positive role models. follow their lead. Become a leader.

Mentor others, then set them free.

Recognize those who labour for you.

Acknowledge their work.

Be open-minded.

Consider new ideas and approach.

BALANCE

Balance your life.

Develop hobbies.

Cultivate interests.

Follow your interests and hobbies.

Become physically active.

Nurture family relationships.

Work at friendships.

Keep in touch. Regularly.

Visit.

Meet for lunch or dinner, movies, theatre.

Phone.

Write.

Email.

Be balanced emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually.

Believe in something.

Nurture yourself.

Pamper yourself.

Relax.

Take time.

Abandon sarcasm.

Don’t goad.

Encourage others.

Give compliments.

Be generous to those who deserve it.

image